While vanilla sex is tantamount to an insult at the Kitchen -- after all, those chains, suspension cables, spanking benches and Teddy bear costumes are not just decorations the crew from Extreme Home Makeover left behind -- any dessert flavor other than vanilla is, well, just not my scene.
Okay, chocolate cake is generally fabulous, ditto for pistaschio ice cream, but for the true taste of a delectable's quality, homegirl has to hop the Vanilla Express. Just picture a plain sugar cookie. Without all those chocolate chips and nuts getting in the way and distracting you, you can feel the butter melt in your mouth, you can taste that snap of vanilla. It's like you're on a fucking Island in the Caribbean. When Cortez and co. first discovered the holy bean, you know their first thought was, "This was totally worth sailing through Kraken-infested waters for, dude." The only way to judge the quality of a cheesecake is plain -- perish the thought of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or chocolate-chip cookie dough defiling the purity of high-fat cream cheese with plain sour cream topping.
If you really want to revel in unashamed flavor nudity, there's Danish Cream ice cream, which doesn't have any extracts.
I'd like to be licking some off Lars Ulrich* right now.
* Scarlett Johansson? Cut me some slack, there are very few famous Danes apart from Hamlet.
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