Things that Discourage Me Part I

Despite what can only be described as a joie de vivre that touches every soul I meet and lights up every room I enter, I have to admit I’m feeling discouraged.

My job search lately has been as follows: I had a series of interviews with a well-known e-tailer that needed a copywriter. I did not know that one could encounter so many people who are devoid of personality all in a row. It goes with my theory that like doesn’t just attract like, it clusterfucks with like. When I emailed this company to tell them that I was withdrawing my candidacy, they shot back a form letter that they were withdrawing my candidacy. Too late, fuckers. I said it first.

Had a chemistry-filled, bantering interview with a project manager for an extremely large software company that was started by Bill Gates. He's a taller, younger Brad Pitt by way of Amsterdam. I didn’t hear a word he said about the job (in his gorgeous accent) because I was focused on his juicy lips. I could be vying for the position of washroom attendant for all I know. I don’t normally check out a potential employer’s ass as he escorts me out, but in this case no one could blame me. The other day he had me write an essay(!), which I did fabulously. Since then? Bupkis.

There was one company that made me feel more than at home. I’m overqualified – I’d basically be a product writer. It’s near my house, no late hours and the pay is good.

The woman who would be my boss interviewed me. She looked like a Ralph Lauren model with her bright blue eyes and tanned skin. She looks like she summers in the Hamptons, but not in a bad way. She said she’s hands-off as a boss and I believed her (Halleluiah!)

They brought me back in to meet three young people. Two women and a guy. After a few by-wrote interview questions, complete with stilted answers by me, we got into an actual conversation. The guy latched onto something that’s taken me seven months to figure out: That maybe the reason my publisher asked for something “topical” for my next book was just to fill out their own roster, not that it was something that necessarily catered to my strengths as a writer. Genius. We also talked about favorite web sites. I offered up Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About, they gave me Stuff White People Like.

“What do web sites have to do with your copywriting?" the silverfox, gay human resources manager (is that redundant?) asked me later. "And I'm not sure, but isn't that offensive to white people?” We both know that working with people is the ability to hang out with people and discuss things with people, though. Interviewing is like dating. You know within 15 minutes if the chemistry is there, the rest is just purposeful torture.

He relaxed with me too. “Look, don’t worry about your book. You published with a major house, not Mom and Pop’s Book Factory…”
“But maybe I should have been with a mom and pop. I could have gotten more attention…”
“You’re always going to be published, with a big P and no one can take that away from you.” He was right I guess, no matter how down I feel.

We sat in silence for a moment.

“You’re not a convicted felon are you, by the way? It won’t decrease your chances of getting hired or anything, it’s just that I have to ask.”